


Just How Fast the Night Changes

by lttledcve, spinncr



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: And Failing, Angst, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Friends With Benefits, Hogwarts, Hurt/Comfort, James is trying, Marauders' Era, lily doesn't get it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-27 04:33:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16211474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lttledcve/pseuds/lttledcve, https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinncr/pseuds/spinncr
Summary: If he was a stronger man, he would walk away. He wouldn’t let her grip around his wrist dictate his movements as she drags him into an emptied broom closet, and he certainly wouldn’t be pulling her closer. But he’s desperate, desperate, for her, and if this is all he’ll get before they graduate James’ll swallow it up greedily. And he does, he hardly gives himself a second to breathe, definitely doesn’t give Lily a moment to explain what it is she even wants, before his lips find hers and he’s grabbing at the back of her thighs to hoist her up.He’s learned what he can of her from these small, stolen moments. It’s not perfect, not in his desperation - in his inexperience - but his heart beats solely for her and he’s not strong enough to stay away.Walk away, his head screams at him.***Or the one where Lily Evans finally wants James Potter, and he has to say no.





	1. Chapter 1

 

It’s so bloody hard, he thinks. He’s never wanted to just be Lily’s friend, and this - whatever he’s doing, whatever this is - isn’t friendship. They’re barely acquaintances in public, and it’s all of his making. James doesn’t flirt, there’s no teasing underlying every word he tosses her way. It’s...to the point. They’re Heads, and they’re to be seen together because the war has reached the school. After the Easter holidays, more and more students had gone home only to not return. Friends are noticeably missing, and James notices, a few particular members of Sniv- Snape’s crew are missing too.

None of them had been there that night, weeks ago. All of  _ his _ , Voldemort’s, supporters had been older, graduated years ago. And he himself - the sound of his voice still makes the Head Boy grate his teeth. 

He’s brought attention to himself, and while James Potter has never once shied away from attention in his life - this is unwanted. This attention comes with a high price, and it’s a price he isn’t willing to pay. Lily’s and Sirius’ safety isn’t something he can bargain with, and the self proclaimed Dark Lord has made his intentions perfectly clear. 

It’s impossible to back away from Sirius. Especially when Sirius has already made it such a habit of taking on the attention of being the black sheep of his biological family. He’s already in danger, he  _ invites _ the danger, and a part of James wonders if his best mate would invite more just to spite him. 

Lily though- Lily. She’s already in the most danger of them all. She’s muggle-born, and she’s the most talented witch he knows. There’s a target on her back simply because she’s been born, and to add to that? To make her carry the costs of his actions, to suffer the consequences? 

The logical side of him points out he’s being absurd- that if Voldemort already knows his feelings, pushing her away now will do nothing. He’s found a weak spot he can exploit, and the sick bastard is planning on pushing and pushing where it hurts until James can no longer stand it.

And Lily. Lily isn’t taking any of his shite- not really. He wonders if she knows how much braver she is than him, how much stronger. Because he’s not strong enough - not really. 

It’s the sixth time she’s caught him off guard as he walks back up to the castle from the Quidditch Pitch, but is it really catching him off guard if he knows she’ll find him? If he didn’t know better, he’d wager that Sirius was giving her the map, giving her some sort of edge to get his head out of his ass, but Padfoot doesn’t know. None of them do, and he can’t bring himself to repeat it. 

If he was a stronger man, he would walk away. He wouldn’t let her grip around his wrist dictate his movements as she drags him into an emptied broom closet, and he certainly wouldn’t be pulling her closer. But he’s desperate, desperate, for her, and if this is all he’ll get before they graduate James’ll swallow it up greedily. And he does, he hardly gives himself a second to breathe, definitely doesn’t give Lily a moment to explain what it is she even wants, before his lips find hers and he’s grabbing at the back of her thighs to hoist her up.

He’s learned what he can of her from these small, stolen moments. It’s not perfect, not in his desperation - in his inexperience - but his heart beats solely for her and he’s not strong enough to stay away.

_ Walk away _ , his head screams at him. 

Instead he tugs her impossibly closer. “Lily, Lily, Lily.”

 

**_***_ **

 

Something has changed, in the last few months. Something  _ got to him,  _ it’s gotta be that. He won’t tell her what it was, won’t even tell Sirius, and she knows Sirius isn’t lying to her, because he’d never fake being this mad at James, not for this long. 

She hates James a little more every time he turns away from her, every time he pulls away from her kiss and can’t make himself meet her eyes. She hates him, because he spent years loving her, and now that she’s on board he doesn’t want her anymore. An angry, frustrated whine escapes her throat as he whispers her name, and she doesn’t understand, can’t understand how he can say her name like that, how he can kiss her like this, and still tell her he doesn’t want more than this. 

He’s reduced her to hiding out in wait, just for a chance to  _ talk  _ to him—and oh, how that stings—dragging him away to broom closets and empty classrooms. It would’ve been  _ delightful _ in any other situation, in fact, she’d daydreamed about this exact situation. But when it comes down to it, this isn’t what she wants. Not what she wants at all.

But it’s all he’ll let her have, and she’s just desperate enough to settle for it.

Still, if this is what she gets, she’s going to milk it for all its worth. 

And they’re  _ so good  _ at this, she leaps into his arms he catches her around the legs. Even just sneaking around like this—because he won’t even let her  _ talk  _ to him in public—he’s already learned every spot that sets her on fire, and the way he says her name—

“James,” she murmurs, and now her kisses begin to roam, fluttering over his eyelashes and the curve of his ear, the dimple at the corner of his lips. She has half a thought to move things further, but can’t bring herself to move her hands from his face, wants to just hold him here, right like this where she’s allowed to have him. “James,” she says again, plaintive, now, and she hates the way he’s brought her so low, reduced her to begging. She pulls back and sets her forehead to his, and she can hear it in his breathing, feel it in how tense he is. Something is  _ wrong.  _ “Please, James.”  _ Please tell me what’s wrong, please tell me you really want me, please stop doing this to us, please trust me. Please please please.  _

 

**_***_ **

 

He can’t breathe, he feels like he’s choking on it. He’s hurting her, and he knows it. James knows this is a mistake, and once he had made the decision he should have stuck to it entirely. He can’t, they can’t- this isn’t going to work either. Hiding in the shadows, taking what he can from her, whatever she allows him to have.

He doesn’t want to talk, if he does he’ll crumble. He’ll give in, and allow Lily to convince him that they’re stronger than this, that they’ll figure a way out, and it’s just not a gamble he’s willing to take. Lily Evans is too damn important, she means  _ everything _ , and if this is what he has to do to keep her safe? It’s not a choice.

Doesn’t she realize that if there was any other way, if there was any other choice, he wouldn’t be doing this?

Realistically, James knows she doesn’t even know why he’s doing this. She’d been there that night, but she hadn’t heard – he’s glad of it too. She doesn’t need to know, she doesn’t need to throw herself even more into the fight when James knows already there’s nothing he can do to prevent her from participating in some capacity.

Not Lily, not with her overwhelming sense of justice.

His kisses become more desperate as she begins to talk, because he knows, he knows it’s a sign that this is going to go in a direction that he won’t be able to answer. James nips at her neck, he uses his tongue to soothe any kind of sting, any tactic to distract her, but it’s not working.

_ I love you. Merlin, I do. _

And so, his chest is heaving from the effort of breathing, and it has nothing to do with their activities.

James squeezes his eyes shut, and his fingers dig into her hips because he’s not willing to let go of her. Not yet. Five more minutes, two seconds, he doesn’t care.

“Don’t Lily, please.” He says back, because he’s weak. He’s so weak, but he can’t be. Not with this. Not with her life.  _ I will keep you safe _ , he quietly vows.  _ There’s nothing I won’t do to keep you safe. _

Pulling back only so he can look down at her, James lifts one hand, and his thumb traces over her lips which are swollen, he realizes. Merlin help him, he’s never wanted anything, anyone, so much in his life, and he can’t have her. Not if the cost is her safety.

“It’s better this way. I have to-”

It’s not, and he has to close his eyes and tilt his head back to hide the fact that he knows it. A part of him knows she’ll call him on his bullshit, she always does.

_ Go, go now you great idiot. _ His mind screams, but he makes no move. No, instead he cups her face and watches, as if he’s committing every feature, everything about the way she feels pressed up against him, to memory.

 

**_***_ **

 

It’s this more than anything else, these moments, that have driven home the cost of this war for Lily. She doesn’t know what did it, who got to him, but it’s shaken him to his very core. He’s  _ changed.  _ And she knows they all have changed in the past few months, one way or another, but it’s different for him. He’s been fighting this war longer than the rest of them, longer than anyone but Sirius maybe, and it never touched him. He met every curse with a cocky grin, combatted the nightmares with pranks and jokes and raucous laughter. 

He doesn’t smile anymore.

And it  _ scares  _ her, it terrifies her. It feels like she’s already lost, when she hasn’t even gotten the chance to  _ have  _ him yet. Not really. 

Her breath catches in her throat as he closes himself off to her again. She’s not going to cry. Not this time. There’s a surge of anger, but she’s too exhausted of this fight to give in to it again. She wants to leave, to hide away from him so that she stops feeling like this, but she knows from experience it won’t help. Instead, she lets him look at her, because it’s the only way he ever lets her look back, and searches his eyes for a hint. A clue. A way out of this horrible, lonely mess. All she can see is how close he is to saying goodbye. 

She sighs, presses her lips to his softly, and feels a little like she’s dying. “It’s not better, James,” she whispers, stroking his cheek with her thumb. “Whatever this is, it’s not better. It’s breaking you.”  _ It’s breaking me, it’s breaking Sirius, all of us. You’re letting him win.  _ She’s tried everything; tried ignoring him, tried ambushing him, seducing him, begging him, fighting him. She doesn’t know what she has to do to convince him to trust her, but her hope is dying. If he won’t tell Sirius, she doesn’t have a clue how she’ll get him to talk to her. But something has to give soon, because whatever this is, it’s stolen everything  _ James _ about him. “Let me help you,” she begs, and then makes up her mind. “Or tell me to go, because I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this  _ to  _ you. I’m hurting you, and hurting me and—” She closes her eyes and breathes for a moment, before dropping her legs back to the ground. 

 

**_***_ **

 

It is better – it’s better than the alternative. Voldemort’s voice is all he can hear. Is her life worth it, he had asked, so carelessly, with a wand pointed at her as if James’ life wouldn’t have changed with the aftermath – as if the world would have gone on spinning as it always had, and everything would have been just as before.

For the darkest wizard the world has ever seen, James supposes, it doesn’t make a difference in the world.

And isn’t that the most terrifying part? Voldemort has figured it out in a matter of seconds, and he doesn’t give two shits about how it pans out – just that he now has an advantage he can exploit.

He’s going to break, it’s only a matter of time. And with Lily looking at him like that, like she can somehow find the answers to everything in his eyes, James wants to tell her. He wants to tell her so they can plan, so he can share the millions of ideas he dreams up at night when he can’t sleep and they can make this work.

But that just proves the bastard’s point, and she’s in more danger.

_ He wants me, Lils. He wants loads of us, and the price of fighting against him... _ The words are there, but Merlin he won’t say it. She can’t make him, because he can’t fight her on this too. He can’t fight her if she tells him otherwise, and then it’s all for nothing.

_ Trust me _ , he wants to tell her. As if she could just blindly put her faith into the fact that he’s doing the right thing when she has no idea what the perceived threat is. He ought to make her hate him. The thought has its merits, James thinks, and he’d been so good at driving her mental before. If it takes hexing Severus Snape and his Death Eater buddies to keep her safe, well, he’d done it before with less reason. That’s easy.

But if he does, it’ll get worse. Tensions between students are already high, and students are searching the Prophet every morning for some kind of news about their families.

She breaks apart from him, and it’s for the best, but James misses the closeness immediately. “I’m fine,” he lies, because there isn’t any other option. He has to be fine, he has to do better, but no matter how hard he tries, when they’re like this...It gets harder and harder to walk away. And the thought of cutting ties all together, of not even having these stolen moments, makes the ground seem like it’s being swept up from underneath his feet.

It’s a fair ultimatum, and James watches her quietly for a moment – just to savor it – because he already knows what he has to do.

Before he can utter a word, he steps forward though, and catches her up in another kiss. Because if this is it, he selfishly needs one more. Just the one, and he’ll stand by his choice. He’ll do what’s best, what’s right by her.

“Go, Lils. Go, and don’t look back.”

 

**_***_ **

 

He lies to her. She doesn’t know why she never expects it, especially after weeks of this, but he stands there, and  _ lies,  _ and she knows what his choice will be. It takes everything in her not to scream, to slap him, and pound on his chest with her fists until he sees reason. She knows, whatever this is, it’s not his fault. She knows he thinks he’s doing what’s best, but  _ she _ knows he’s dumb. So she doesn’t hit him, or yell at him. She kisses back when he kisses her, because, hey. Maybe this is the last one she’ll get. 

She’s crying, but it feels like that’s all she does these days. She doesn’t actually want to hurt him, knows that in his head, this has to be some weird way of protecting her, can’t imagine any other way to get him worked up like this. Wiping her eyes is a way to save dignity, and to bring her back to herself, take a breath. “Okay,” she says, nodding her head, shoring up her resolve. “Okay, yeah. Bye James.” The words are soft and kind and sincere, and so final. But he’s fighting a battle, and if she can’t stand at his back, or give him cover, she can at least do this. 

She walks out, closing the door behind her, because James insists that they keep this thing secret, and she knows she has to make it all the way back to the dormitory, knows she’ll have to walk through the Common Room, and dodge Mary and Marlene, and do it all without breaking down. If she tries to hide somewhere, James will inevitably find her with that uncanny way of his, or send one of the boys after her, and he told her he wanted her to go. If she’s going to go, that can’t happen.

So she walks to the Gryffindor portrait, waves at Remus and Dorcas, pleads a headache with Marlene, and escapes up the stairs to the girl’s dormitory. She uses  _ muffliato _ on her bed hangings, and then curls up and cries herself to sleep. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She’d tried, honestly. He told her to go, and she went. It was what he needed, and what she deserved, and if either one of them had any willpower when it came to each other, they would’ve stayed away. James might’ve even lasted, if she had left him to it. So really, it’s just her that has no willpower. Regardless, she’s making this decision for the both of them, because she swears James hasn’t slept since she left him in that broom cupboard. He’s got bags under his eyes, worse than normal, and Sirius tells her he’s been staying up late, hiding behind the curtains of his bed. He gave two seconds years detention. Detention. That’s… that’s literally never happened.
> 
> And honestly, yes, she knows it was the right thing to do, but she’s tired of being right. She just wants to hold him, and maybe get him to sleep early. That’s all.
> 
> And also, wow, okay, the sex is a nice perk.

He’s an idiot, and more than that, James should have known better. He should have known that Sirius was up to something, should have been able to piece together that there was something going on behind the scenes. But it’s  _ Thursday _ , and it’s his one day of solace. Head duties are taken care of earlier so he can afford to run Quidditch practice, because even now under the threat of war, the Quidditch and House Cups are pushed by the professors as a focusing point. It makes sense, he supposes, because it’s something good to focus on. It’s something other than the news. 

And he’s always loved flying. James is at home in the air, and his dad used to joke that he had been born to be up there. Before all of this he had wanted to play professionally, he had had dreams of playing for Puddlemere United—only. Well, a lot that had once mattered doesn’t take priority. Not anymore.

But Thursdays, those are the days where even if it’s just for a few hours, James feels like himself again. And Sirius knows that. 

That’s why he’s baffled by the silence when he walks into their dorm room - even after calling out “Padfoot?!” as obnoxiously as possible in case he’s just in the shower - and instead met with Lily. 

 

 

Weak. It’s not a surprise, he still doesn’t have the strength to deny her anything, especially not this. And he should be able to, James thinks, because it’s not right. He’s pushed her away at every end, and to accept her now in his own bed is - well, she deserves better. She deserves so much more. 

Knowing it doesn’t stop the fact that he’s nearly grinning for the first time in weeks, and that his heart rate is just starting to slow down. He doesn’t let Lily get far, and instead tugs her so she’s sprawled out on top of him and he can play with the soft locks of her hair. It’s been a week since she’s been this close to him, a week since he’s touched her, and a miserable week since he agreed with her ultimatum that she needed to leave. 

And he’s almost spilled his guts to her every day since. Doesn’t she see? Doesn’t she understand that there’s a cost to defying Voldemort, and he won’t agree to his terms. He won’t join Voldemort, and he can’t let Lily’s life be the price of that decision. 

“Hey,” he says instead, the corners of his mouth quirking upwards in a hint of a lopsided smile, his glasses knocked askew.  She’s beautiful, and he can still see the flush of her skin in her cheeks, trailing down her neck and before he can stop himself - and really, he ought to stop himself,  he gives her a quick pinch. 

“You and Sirius shouldn’t be allowed to plot together.” 

 

**_***_ **

 

She’d tried, honestly. He told her to go, and she went. It was what he needed, and what she deserved, and if either one of them had any willpower when it came to each other, they would’ve stayed away. James might’ve even lasted, if she had left him to it. So really, it’s just her that has no willpower. Regardless, she’s making this decision for the both of them, because she swears James hasn’t slept since she left him in that broom cupboard. He’s got bags under his eyes, worse than normal, and Sirius tells her he’s been staying up late, hiding behind the curtains of his bed. He gave two seconds years detention.  _ Detention.  _ That’s… that’s literally never happened. 

And honestly, yes, she knows it was the right thing to do, but she’s tired of being right. She just wants to hold him, and maybe get him to sleep early. That’s all. 

And also, wow, okay, the sex is a nice perk. He’s gotten pretty, ah, pretty good at that. She hums, and nuzzles her nose deeper into his chest, drops kisses lazily. They’ve never slept together in a bed. They’ve never actually  _ slept _ together. But as she burrows in, arms wrapped around him, she knows that she’ll fight for this, even if she never gets anything else, she’s not sure she can give this up. 

But the entire point is that that’s her battle now. Not James. She won’t make him choose anymore, between his self-appointed mission and his happiness. She’ll just work as hard as she can to let him have both. 

He’s grown much bolder since they started this, and nips his chest in retort when he pinches her, though it doesn’t stop her grin. “Find something you like, hm?” she murmurs, the pleasure evident in her voice. She loves the way he explores her body, the way little by little, he’s grown confident in navigating every sensitive spot, finding his own favorite places. She feels safe, in his arms, she feels  _ loved,  _ and while she’s not really sure that’s what this is, it doesn’t matter. Whatever James is dealing with, it means they don’t have the luxury of dealing with normal teenage things like falling in love, and stupid couple fights. She just gets to have this, no questions asked, and that is good enough. 

“I don’t know, I think we make a good team. Kind of liking the results myself.” As she speaks she lets her lips wander, finding a nipple, a collarbone, the strong arc of his neck, lets the words brush against his skin. 

“I was thinking we should probably run it again, make sure the results can be duplicated… Scientific process and all that…” 

 

**_***_ **

 

There’s a reason they’ve limited themselves to places such as broom closets, and empty classrooms, James realizes. There’s something much more intimate, here in his bed, and now that they’re there he doesn’t want to leave. How is he supposed to go back after something like this? This is more, this is better than anything he could have ever imagined, and Lily’s  _ naked _ , smiling down at him like everything is right in the world, and they’re not spinning out of control completely off axis.

No, no, he shouldn’t get distracted by this. This was a one-time thing, this was something that they had brought upon themselves because  _ obviously _ just ignoring each other for weeks on end isn’t going to work.

It has nothing to do with the feeling of Lily’s lips on his skin, and how instead of settling down she seems more content to explore with gentle touches and start something all over again –

James’ head falls back against the pillow, one hand tangled up in her hair as he gave himself a minute to enjoy it. Just one more minute, one more anything, until they have to go back to reality. Nothing has changed in the week, in fact instead of getting better or even remaining neutral, it’s gotten worse.

“You know the answer to that,” he murmurs, unable to give a real joke in this moment. He can’t bring himself to tell her no, to utter such a bold lie, because he knows he’ll be unable to keep a straight face for all of a second, and really...It doesn’t seem like the time. But she’s bloody perfect, every piece of her, and he doesn’t want to give her up. If there was some way, some path he could take that would ensure her safety....

“He’s a good wingman like that,” James laughs softly, no longer pinching, as his fingers instead drags up and down the length of her back. “Scientific process?” Muggle thing, his brain reminds him, and James props himself up with an elbow, because Merlin, this woman is capable of making him smile when it’s the last thing he wants to do.

“Who am I to deny the progress of science?” He will though, he thinks. Because this is dangerous, they’re sliding into a dangerous pattern and – “Reckon we can block out the rest of the world?” He’s not thinking, not now, as he watches her completely enamored. “I’d spend the rest of my life here with you like this, and would be the happiest bloke in the world.”

 

**_***_ **

 

The problem is, Lily  _ doesn’t  _ know the answer to that. James could very well mean that of course this will happen again, because how could it not? It feels more likely though that he means it  _ shouldn’t _ happen again, and he can’t condone this happening again, not while it runs the risk of interfering with his super secret mission. She bites back a sigh, and let’s her eyes drop back to where her fingers are tracing the edge of the wound she’d once mended, so many moons ago. She hates to see the scars on him now, but back then it was just the result of another one of his antics. Another memory he clearly enjoyed, despite any pain it had caused, and only made all the more charming, and infuriating, by his staunch refusal to share it with her. 

The scars he’s gotten since then aren’t good memories. 

But she made herself a vow, so she says nothing. Doesn’t push him to let her in, or argue about why he won’t study with her anymore, or why she’s not allowed to write him this summer. Just watches her fingers trace his scar. Waits for him to move on so she can participate in the conversation again. 

“I think you’d be good at it, you know. Muggle science. You’d be, like… an inventor. Or an engineer. Always fiddling with things and making them go better.” It’s a nice image. Him wearing those magnifying glasses that make his eyes look huge, puttering around in a workshop. No death eaters, no dark lords. Just maybe a few chemical fires and a lost eyebrow or two. Nothing they can’t handle. It’s a nice image. 

But James, the sweet starry-eyed James she fell in love with… Even now he can’t quite help it, always imagining silver linings, always looking for a bright side. Even he can’t find one now. Because the words are nice, but the tone is wistful, because it’s something he thinks he can’t have. 

_ Why can’t you?  _ She wants to ask. Why don’t you spend the rest of your life with me, in this bed, or another bed, or a sack somewhere she doesn’t  _ care _ . He wants her, he just said so, and not just as a good fuck, but for the rest of his life. She wants to shake him.  _ You have me! Let me make you happy! We’ve already wasted so much time!  _

But she won’t say any of that, because she promised herself, she’d make him happy anyway she could, and this is the only way she can. Fighting won’t change his mind. Fighting won’t make him happy. It’ll only just make his sleepless nights worse, and make him eat less at breakfast, skip dinner entirely. She’ll bite her tongue, and make him happy, even if it makes her sad. It could be worse. 

_ Spend the rest of your life with me,  _ she wants to say. Instead, she hums, and keeps tracing that scar on his arm. There’s nothing for her to say.

 

**_***_ **

 

“It doesn’t hurt you know,” James supplies, when he realizes what scar she’s found. “You did a good job.” He’d be a mess that night, but he had been determined to get it taken care of before Remus came ‘round that morning. The amount of guilt that threatened to eat Moony up was unacceptable, it had been his own damn fault after all – so new to animagi. ‘Sides, if he had gotten Snape out of there without the backup of Prongs, he’d been more than capable of getting himself to safety.

An inventor sounds bloody fun though, and he’s never heard of an engineer before, but right now it sounds like it’d be brilliant.

It’s a good dream – but that’s all it is. James has exchanged a few letters with Lily’s father, he’s had a million questions for the solicitor - or barrister, he can’t remember the correct term – and it’d been fascinating. He’ll have to find a way to apologize to Mr. Evans for the hot and cold he’s playing, but he can’t exactly send an owl to Lily’s family’s house. Not now, not when he doesn’t know who’s watching, who’s working for who. And if Voldemort knows Lily’s name, if he knows enough about her, there’s no knowing who he’s recruited to do what.

Her silence stuns him though. Honestly, he’d always been pro when it came to sticking his foot in his mouth around her, and he’s felt her tense. It’s hard not to when there’s no barriers between their bodies. “Lily,” he sighs, mostly because he can’t handle the silence. Not with her, not when they’re like this. And now that he’s had it, he knows it’ll be a struggle to give it up. To give her up.

But this isn’t her, she never just...Let’s him get on with it. And he can see it in her face, that even still she’s not really happy with this. Maybe a little, but it’ll fade the moment they fall back into this new normal he’s created for them.

And because he’s a selfish prat, he sits up – pulling her up with him – so he’s got her in his lap, and he can cradle her to him.

“I think I preferred the yelling,” he jokes as he cups her face.

 

**_***_ **

 

It’s not her most effective strategy, honestly. She’s not even really trying, but she’d thought he’d be  _ glad  _ she wasn’t pushing him. There’s no hesitation though when he pulls her upright, just wraps her arms around his neck and sighs. Sitting on his lap with the sheets around their waists, pressed chest to chest… well, that just became her new favorite thing. She leans her cheek into his palm, and slides her fingers into his wild hair, which is, thanks to her, even more wild than normal. 

She leans in to press an easy kiss to his lips. She’s not going to let him pull her into this. No, no, no, because then he sends her away again, and she’ll just have to start all over, and there’s only so many places she can ambush him from. He always seems to know when she’s coming. She’s trying for him, trying to find a middle ground for him, turn a blind eye, and give him as much as he’ll take, even if it’s only the barest amount to keep him from sinking again. 

So she wriggles a little bit in his lap, and toys with the hair at the back of his neck. She’s not trying to be coy, or trick him. She’s just not going there tonight. That’s not what this is about. “I don’t want to yell at you,” she breathes into his mouth. She does, actually. Quite a lot, and quite often, but that’s not what she wants  _ most,  _ and she’s willing to sacrifice for his greater good. 

 

**_***_ **

 

He likes this new position, James thinks with a small smile. She’s beautiful, and close, and it’s almost impossible to keep his eyes open while she plays with his hair. It’s nice, soothing, and for a minute James thinks he might be able to sleep. He’ll have to convince her to spend the night, if she’s willing. He shouldn’t but the thought is too good to give up, and he can charm his bed when the curtains are closed so the boys can’t open, or hear.

They need to talk, but he won’t deny her the kiss. And for the third time that night he’s smiling, feeling lighter than he has in weeks, but the weight is looming above them. “Lils...” James struggles to find the courage. He can’t ask her to stay, only to go back to the way things had been before. It’s not fair to her, and the fact that she’s going along with whatever...She’s not demanding anything, it’s damn  _ confusing. _

What does she want? What does she expect?

It’s only then that he realizes that he had made a grave mistake by shifting them into this position. And the moment Lily moves her hips, James groans before he can help himself because  _ Merlin.  _ “Liar,” he whispers back against her lips, and he can’t help himself, he’s pulling her closer, and he feels like he’s burning with a sudden need for her. “We need to...” He’s distracted by her lips, and James is suddenly smiling at her, before nipping at her lower lip. “We’ve got some shite to figure out, Lils.”

 

**_***_ **

 

“Hm?” She hums, her lips curving in a coy grin. If he wants to talk, he’s going to have to fight harder than that. She rolls her hips this time, and despite the mission at hand, she has to admit, she loves that she can drive him to distraction. That no matter how many times they’ve done this, he always looks at her the same, even when she’s still got all her clothes on and her hair looks ridiculous. 

When he calls her bluff, she can’t stem her smile, lets it widen in his mouth. Because he’s right, she always wants to yell at him. How he knows her so well, she hasn’t a clue, but it’s humbling, and exciting, and makes her stomach feel warm. 

And the sounds he makes, she knows she’s got him. Poor man never stood a chance, honestly. Still, the smile he throws in her direction makes it clear, he’s not the only one in over his head. Fuck, he could smile like that at her for the rest of their days, and she’d be happy with the table scraps of a relationship they had right now. All for a smile. 

“Sure we do,” she murmurs, dipping down to explore his neck with her tongue. “Later.”

 

**_***_ **

 

“Minx.” James is vaguely aware of the thought that crosses his mind, that Evans is using her feminine wiles to distract him from his point, and if she is...It’s bloody well working. If he has to guess, he’s sure he’s loved her since he was fifteen, and even if it’s taken her this long to catch up and feel  _ something _ for him, now that she’s here?

Amidst the fear, there’s anger. They’re being robbed of this, and it’s partially his fault.

“You’re a sight when angry, Evans.” It’s the closest to a confession she’ll ever get, but he’s guilt of pushing her buttons occasionally just to get a rise. She’s stunning all the time, but there’s something about the way those emerald green eyes of hers light on fire in her anger, the way her cheeks get all flushed-

“No, not later.” It’s one more attempt, a hail Mary, but she’s got him like a seeker with a snitch in their sight. And the moment she finds that one spot on his neck James moves, flipping them over with an easy grace so that she’s pinned between him and the bed. “Later,” he echoes in agreement, his kisses trailing down her neck, to her chest, and slowly down her stomach. “Hours, I think.”

“Hours and hours,” she agrees, words getting lost in his lips. 


End file.
